"SMILE!" someone's Mom yelled, as she pointed the camera in our direction and snapped what seemed like a thousand pictures with the biggest and brightest smile on her face. One after another, pose after pose, just capturing a moment that at the time seemed to be perfect. The leaves changing in the background. The warm sun fighting the chill of the fall breeze. A night full of smiles, firsts, and the fluttery feelings of butterflies in the pit of my stomach.
Homecoming sophomore year is one I'll never forget. The first time I met his friends, the people he was the closest with. Who were there for him for everything and anything. Some of which I grew to love, and others I learned to hate. Some I would end up calling friends of my own. The first time I met his parents. The people that were suppose to be there for him, but never really were. Who lived in a fantasy land they liked to refer to as life. The people that seemed harmless, but I quickly realized wanted nothing to do with me. The first of many nights spent dancing under the dim lights in a school gymnasium, smiling and laughing. So full of pure happiness, without a care in the world, thinking we were the luckiest people in the room. The first time I fell in love.
We got so close so quickly, everything seemed to just click. If you asked me anything about him I'd be able to answer without skipping a beat. I was one hundred percent head over heels for him. We talked about forever, planning like I was his future. Spent every possible second together. Late nights driving on back roads singing along to the radio, summer afternoons sneaking into the quarry, and snow days snuggled up watching movies. It was perfect. He was perfect. My real life love story.
I wish I could tell you we lived happily ever after. I wish I knew what I know now...
If I knew those first time feelings of butterflies in my stomach would come back in the form of knives into my back. If I knew the friends I encouraged him to be with would be rooting against me while I wasn't around. If I knew I was being tricked cheated on and lied to. Wrapped up in my own teenage girl mind, too dumb to realize what was happening right in front of me. If I knew the pain of heartbreak. The feeling of warm tears running down my face. The emptiness in my chest from my heart being ripped out. The feeling of doubting my self worth and thinking I wasn't good enough. The pain of loosing my best friend after 4 years. If I only knew...
Would it be different? Would knowing have changed anything? I wouldn't have believed it. Him, my one and only, the love of my life would NEVER do anything to hurt me. I look back now and think about how perfect it all seemed. But in reality I was a teenage girl experiencing love for the first time and would have thought it was perfect no matter what.
So I'm glad it all happened. Because of him I know what love is. I know how fragile my heart is and how important it is to protect it. I know not to be so easy to open my heart up to someone. I know to trust my gut and not let people walk all over me.
Because of him I know how to love myself.